January 1st 2015
Four years ago, 01.01.2015, I’ve just woken up.
The anxiety has kicked in. Creeping up my body into my chest, heart thumping, throat tightening, a swirling sick feeling in my belly. My first thoughts are of the night before. Oh god did I drink too much? Did I make a fool of myself? The feelings of shame, remorse and self-loathing were all too familiar. Alcohol and food were my long-time crutches for most of my adult life. To escape difficult thoughts or feelings and numb out the dissatisfaction in my life. To escape the inertia and the deep-down nagging feeling that I could be doing something more, being something more.
*I stopped drinking in 2017 but this post isn't about that.
Then came the frustration and the hopelessness. Why couldn’t I get out of this cycle? I knew what I needed to do (I’d read enough self-help books and watched endless ‘change your life in 30 days’ masterclasses!) I felt so bloody stuck.
Being stuck and knowing we want to change has got to be one of the worst feelings. We want to be different, make better choices. We know what’s good for us (that’s not the problem!) We even know what to do to get us on track and yet we continue to make poor decisions. We self-sabotage. Whether it’s with alcohol, food, social media, relationships, careers or another aspect of our life.
We have another drink.
Eat the cheese.
Stay in the toxic relationship.
Stay in the job we hate.
Watch the next 21-episode Netflix box-set.
We say no to investing in ourselves.
We make decisions based on the moment. We don’t make decisions based on our long-term hopes, dreams, goals and wants for ourselves.
Why? Familiarity, we know what to expect. Comfort, an easy life. Security. Less stress.
And yet with these in the moment decisions what we truly hope for ourselves feels so far away.
We fear the unknown. We know this. If we change things, make different decisions, not the ones based on how we feel in the moment, we don’t always know what the outcome will be. Inside we know what we are doing is wrong. That it’s not the best thing for us but we don’t have to face the possibility of making an even bigger hash of it if we do the things that could just completely change our entire life around!
I’m here to tell you that you can change your entire life around! That you can discover the limitless possibilities for your life. That you can answer that nagging voice that knows you can be more, do more, make a bigger contribution in the world.
All the love xo